04 May Part I: Shadowboxing with Unconscious Bias
Let’s examine and question our own deeply held beliefs and how they can hinder our growth and highest potential. We will examine the hidden parts of ourselves that Dr. Carl Jung calls the ‘shadow,’ how this it applies to each of us individually and collectively, and how our shadow sides determine how we relate to ourself and others.
Dr. Carl Jung (Freud’s friend & younger therapeutic counterpart) developed and discussed the shadow aspects of Self. Jung said that the shadow is “the unknown dark side of the personality.” The shadow holds the sides of self that are the opposite of our persona (how I present myself to fit in with society). The shadow is defined by “anything I am not.” Without therapy, we can repress and deny these darker aspects of ourself. We become unaware that they are programmed into our subconscious or unconscious, affecting daily life and sabotaging relationships.
These darker aspects, thoughts and judgments about others, live in our sub- and unconscious realms, and the goal is to become more enlightened to make these beliefs conscious.
As thoughts and beliefs become conscious, we have a choice whether we let them determine our behavior. We can’t integrate what we don’t own and acknowledge. When we aren’t aware of our own biases, we project them as judgment onto others.
It’s easy for us to examine and judge others’ behavior, especially when their actions or values don’t align with our expectations and values.
Dr. Carl Jung said, “it requires a moral recognition of our own darkness, in order to own and integrate these hidden aspects of our personality and become more whole.”
As we work through buried emotions and frustrations, we learn to process and neutralize hostility and judgments. Healthier, happier and more successful relationships are the fruit of this internal work.
Recognizing the Shadow
The shadow shows its face when individuals and society experiences conflict, polarities & opposing views about social norms.
In the pandemic, individual and societal fears were fueled by media, politicians and pharmaceuticals, which programmed us with deeply held conscious and subconscious beliefs. People raged against individuals who didn’t share the same norms and beliefs. Individuals and society labeled some people groups ‘bad.’ This exemplifies judgment, which rears its ugly head, separates and divides people, instead of creating understanding and compassion. When people feel self-righteous because of their beliefs, they lose empathy, tolerance, and compassion for other human beings. When people lost their jobs during the pandemic, others may have felt a boost to their ego, instead of feeling empathy.
Keeping an objective, higher perspective, and recognizing unconscious bias helps individuals and society reach the highest potential.
The media often creates division and self-righteous anger, adding fuel to the fire, blaming individuals or groups, and making them a target for projection and societal anger.
With a lack of conscious awareness, people who act in different and opposite ways, trigger anger and judgement. They represent my shadow. What we tend to forget in the midst of conflict is this; both sides have legitimate perspectives, neither is completely right or wrong. There is always a common ground.
We ought to account for and take responsibility for our judgments. The Creator of the Universe asks us not to judge. Our role and responsibility is to love others. When we judge, we get mired in our own muck: anger, unforgiveness, and resentment.
The following illustration is a common & complex relationship dynamic that involves the shadow sides of human nature. A Mother or Mother-in-law assumes she knows what is right, and holds self righteous resentment towards her son’s wife.
This exemplifies unconscious or subconscious bias. Even though it feels like our truth, we may need to reevaluate and question our longstanding feelings and beliefs.
In order to make the subconscious conscious, the Mother or Mother in Law can explore these concepts with a therapist:
•What is stopping me from supporting my son and his wife?
•Are my wants and desires for my kids, getting in the way of a good relationship with them?
•Am I trying to control other people? How is this helping or hindering me?
•What are my hopes, dreams, desires and needs in this new season of my life?
•What are my values, and how are they different from my adult kids? Can I learn to accept our differences?
• Do I attempt to manipulate people, or try to force conformity to my expectations, in order to feel happy or fulfilled?
• Am I allowing freedom and individuation, for my kids? Do I allow room for my kids to leave and cleave with their spouse?
These are important topics to explore and discuss in therapy, to achieve more flexible thinking, allowing personal choice and freedom instead of mandating conformity. When we grow, change, and adapt, we allow more space for healthy, dynamic, supportive relationships.
Dr. Gabor Mate says that a flexibile personality is a sign of a health. When we are rigid and can’t hold room for others beliefs, our thinking patterns become self- limiting.
Living with an Unconscious Shadow
Underlying assumptions create room for the shadow to grow and thrive. Sometimes it feels easier or more familiar to stay stuck in a cycle of blame and projection, than to own, process or change our perspective and work through the disheartening emotions.When we remain unaware of the underlying reasons for anger and judgment, we can’t heal. Anger and frustration remain trapped in every cell of our body, mind, soul and spirit. The internal turmoil and emotional discord lead to dis-ease and eventually physical illness if not addressed — including cancer and heart disease. Dr. Gabor Mate explores the mind – body connection in his book and YouTube videos: “When the Body Says No.”
We have a choice daily: do I want to become healthier, rise higher, grow, and become the best version of myself? If so, integrating the shadow aspects of our personality, is a powerful tool for exploration and growth.
Tapping into Inner Healing
Unfortunately, we are fallible, and often don’t see situations with objectivity, even when we try. We often believe we are right and everyone else who holds the opposite perspective, is wrong.
Other individuals become our “shadow,” and thus, our opponents, someone we have to prove to be wrong. This is in defense of our own ego; we try not to admit our own fallibility. If we are honest with ourself, we will admit that we have shadow aspects and moral darkness, & imperfections. Then we learn to hold space for others and not to judge based on different beliefs.
Learning Self Compassion
To redo internalized shame and perfectionism, we soften and learn to develop self compassion, neutralize our ego (which wants to be right), and observe situations and relationships with a wiser and more objective lens.
Learning Lessons
Our growth will help to neutralize unconscious bias and assumptions, judgements and shadows. We understand that it isn’t “us against them” and we have nothing to prove. Relationships become balanced, equal and valuable. We validate others when we say, “I understand your perspective & I value you as a person, even if we don’t agree. Your choices belong to you, and I am not the judge.” Black and white thinking becomes neutralized; there is no winning or losing.
We don’t have to be on the same page in order to understand or love others. Other people become viewed more objectively and positively; as people who are also valued and made by the Creator of the Universe, who have a divine purpose and calling in this world. We are all different parts of the same human body. When we learn to work together, humanity rises to its highest sovereign potential.
Neutralize and integrate your shadow sides. Work on what triggers you in others. It may just be an unconscious reflection of hidden aspects of yourself. Ask yourself these questions:
- What bothers me the most in someone else?
- What can I not tolerate?
- What angers or frustrates me?
Observe your shadow from a higher, Universal perspective. You are here on earth to learn lessons, to grow, to break through your own limitations, beliefs, perspectives and judgements.
Find the Highest Version of Yourself
I encourage you to do internal work in therapy, to find the highest and wisest version of yourself.
Blessings on your path of growth, enlightenment and understanding.
Please reach out if I can help you integrate the parts of yourself that are a stumbling block to growth. There is subconscious shadow work to explore, and when you do your inner healing, it will set you free!
Jayma Jamieson, MA, NCC, LPC
jaymajamieson.com – 303.351•2354